Sibling Relationships

Hey lovely people!

I know it's been a while since I wrote and I'm deeply sorry. I've been swamped up by school but now that I'm on holiday, I plan to write more :). Lately, I've been thinking a lot about relationships- family, friendships, and romantic. So my next posts would be covering these. Today we'll be looking at an aspect of the family relationship, which is the sibling relationship.

While going through Facebook a few weeks back, I saw a meme which was a picture collage depicting siblings in two different scenarios; the first was of them partying together and goofing around and the second was of them wrestling in a boxing ring. The caption of the meme read something along the lines of: there's no in-between in sibling relationships. And I couldn't agree how more true this caption was! So I began to wonder, why do we feel such extreme emotions towards our siblings? We love them so much at one point in time and would do anything for them and then at other times, we wish we weren't related to them. But the truth is hey we just have to work towards getting along with our siblings because we're stuck with them for life. Even if we decide to stop talking to our siblings because they hurt us, it doesn't change the fact that we still have the same blood running through our veins so we can never actually disown them. So starting today, how about we change our perspective about siblings? Rather than seeing them as annoyances, how about we start looking at them as our gifts from God because that's really what they are. I mean we didn't choose them, God just gave them to us.

So why did God give us siblings anyway and what are the benefits of having them?

1. Siblings are our in-built support system from heaven- Proverbs 17:17 says "Friends love through all kinds of weather and families stick together in all kinds of trouble" and Proverbs 18:24 says "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother". God's desire for family is that we "stick" together. In other words, that we support each other and be there for each other through rain and sunshine. Another aspect of Proverbs 18:24 which strikes me is the part which says "there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother". I believe in this verse, the "friend who sticks closer than a brother" is Jesus, I say this because in every book of the bible, there's a revelation of who Jesus is. So in proverbs, Jesus is being represented as our wisdom and we see wisdom being called a friend in proverbs 7:4. So I find it so powerful that the revelation of Jesus is being made with reference to a sibling relationship, "brother". This just emphasizes how valuable sibling relationships are.

Secondly, there's a psychological benefit of siblings sticking together. "A study tracking almost 300 men from the late 1930s to the present day has shed new light on the importance of the sibling bond. According to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, 93 per cent of the men who were thriving at 65 had been close to a sibling in their early life. The study also reports that poorer relationships with siblings before the age of 20 could be a predictor of depression later in life, suggesting that the longer we can sustain close sibling relationships in adulthood, the more it can benefit and protect us emotionally (https://www.psychologies.co.uk/importance-siblings). Now, we can see that siblings are really gifts from God and that we do ourselves more harm than good when we choose to walk away from relationship with them. 

2.They teach us patience- From learning to share our toys with them when we’re young to learning not to flip out on them and slap them when they do something so annoying when we’re older, we develop our patience. It is this patience we learn with them that would help us in our other relationships.

3.They make us more successful-  we see in a lot of families that when one sibling is doing well, especially the older ones, the other siblings too follow suit and this is because siblings influence each other in ways they may not even realize. For instance, determination, friendliness, and commitment to God are a few character traits I see in my siblings which inspire me. 

4. They are our guinea pigs- lol isn’t it great that siblings are available people to experiment with?! My twin sister used me to practice hair braiding and make-up and I’m glad she’s been able to perfect those skills because now I get to benefit from those services :)


5. They are our in-built babysitters-  our older siblings especially, are our second parents and when we’re older, we get to be babysitters for each other’s kids. For instance, since my brother had his daughter, my sister and I have had to go babysit sometimes and I’m sure that when we eventually have our own kids, the favor would be returned.

So now that we know what the benefits of having siblings are, how can we nurture healthy sibling relationships?

1. Parents have a major role to play- Parents should foster a healthy relationship between siblings by loving them equally and showing no favoritism or comparing kids to one another. So when correcting your children, don’t say things like “Why can’t you be like your brother/sister?”. If God wanted them to have similar personalities, he could have made it that way. Recognize the uniqueness of each child and embrace it. We see various stories in the bible of parents facilitating sibling rivalry e.g Jacob and Esau; the mother loved Jacob more while the father loved Esau more, Joseph and his 11 brothers; the father loved Joseph more than the rest. Although God’s purpose still prevailed in the lives of these people, it took several years for the siblings to reconcile and I believe the siblings being rivals may not have necessarily been part of God’s will but God just has a way of bringing good out of bad situations. 

Another way parents can foster healthy relationships between siblings is by having regular family hangouts; they could be vacations, family dinners, or just any type of family day out. By bringing the family together, siblings can interact more and just have fun with each other.

2. Communicate- We all know that communication is an essential key to building any kind of relationship but we sometimes just don't take it seriously. When your sibling does something you don't like, tell them respectfully and not in a feat of anger or by giving the silent treatment. Also, when your sibling does something you like or really appreciate, let them know. We tend to be so quick to dish out criticisms but underappreciate. I encourage us to be more conscious about this.

3. Spend time together- This becomes more important as we grow older and begin to experience life differently because we no longer live together. There's a tendency for sibling relationships to decline as we leave home because we don't take time to nurture them as we would romantic relationships and close friendships (https://www.psychologies.co.uk/importance-siblings). So we must be intentional about spending time together as we get older. Take advantage of opportunities such as birthdays, anniversaries, thanksgiving, and christmas, to come together.

4. Be understanding- Proverbs 24:3 says "Homes are built on the foundation of wisdom and understanding". We must stop trying to fix our siblings and appreciate them for who they are. We must see the unique blend of our personalities as a blessing and not a problem. There's a reason why God put us in the same family.

5. Forgive quickly- Ephesians 4:26 should be our rule of thumb; we must not let the sun go down while we're still angry. Misunderstandings should not be allowed to linger for extended periods of time. Sometimes, we may not even get an apology but we must still let go. We forgive because we have been forgiven by God and I believe it's an abuse of God's grace to withhold mercy from others, especially not from our siblings.“Siblings should be the last people to be subject to pettiness and grudges” (http://christianteens.about.com/od/advice/tp/8-Ways-to-Overcome-Sibling-Rivalry.htm). 

6. Apologize- we must learn to say sorry when we hurt our siblings. A quote I once read which has stuck with me till today is: "Saying sorry doesn't always mean that you were wrong. Sometimes it means you value your relationships more than your ego". Say NO to pride in your relationship with your siblings!

7. Love unconditionally-  Finally, we must love our siblings with no conditions/requirements attached; the God-kind of love we see as listed in 1 Corinthians13. In fact, everything I've mentioned previously can be summed up in this.